GARBAGE FOR

28th June - Blitzen - 13 PARKINSON PL, WOODEND

I need you winter camp photo’s – send them to Dogs for collation

T’was really a crap forecast for the night, so I was confident the turnout would be small. I guessed that besides the Hare & her cook (One Loos), there may only be my neighbour (Clint), Shrek & I. I already had an email from Fingers grovelling apologies for her & Dagy not attending – I think they deserved a rest after having a houseful drunks for the last few days. My confidence was increased when I heard SIF had txt he was not coming.

But bugger me… the 1830 photo showed I could be wrong. Numbers swelled after that.

Everyone talked about how “tanfastic” winter camp was… the great cooked breakfasts .. the thrill seeking truck ride .. the run .. the food (again!!!) .. the“olymprik” games … and Planks great music… and the dancing… and on it went…

By then we decided we really belonged to a “CLASSY” hash club…. that GARDEN CITY really does things well..

We were let down from that point by Blitzen’s trail brief.. starting with the excuse “it has been raining and my trail was washed away”… (she explained wearing warm fluffy slippers)..

she said “out of consideration for you guys I re-laid it so it was shorter and the PS was back here”.

You can see the interest shown by all from this point in the photo – but One Loos did take the opportunity to balance a bike on his bum.

Truth be known, it was just a tad wet when she laid it on here bike at 3.20 pm (well that is what the note on the kitchen bench said.

Enough dribble.. the swelled mob of hashers stormed off into the rain… Link and Orful Fuk carrying umbrellas.

It soon turned into a shambles… short cutters hit the PUB… runners ran… walkers wandered .. Meemee went somewhere… Monkey Wrench wearing her tits… Blitzen stayed at home (still in her warm fluffy slippers) ..

Monkey Wrench found the running hard wearing the tits. Nacker Rash, (the gentleman he is) offered assistance, a shove in the back as he ran past and useful advice of“harden up”. What a great chap.

I need you winter camp photo’s – send them to Dogs for collation

Since Blitzen managed to set the full 6.5 km on the bike .. we all were determined to complete it. Wowo got so enthused he added extra “long cuts” to it, requiring One Loos to do a search & rescue mission.

As I said at the start, GARDEN CITY is a CLASSY HASH. We returned to OH to find pre-fines nibbles laid on. NO – not just chippies – BUT bacon and chip butties with lashing of butter and sauce. These delayed the circle forming for a while – so did the search for and rescue of WoWo.

All “Buttied”out, we adjourned (see, using a word like that is manifestation of GARDEN CITY class) garage for fines. Link had prepared the fines (not just any old beer was not good enough for our fines – we at Garden City use Old Dark – Dagy & SIF you really should have attended)

The JM, the honourable Gloworm, opened with a rousing speech he had prepared to deliver on the recovery run at winter camp.

It finished to loud applause and sounds of “hip – hip –hooorrar” (in very posh accents). Followed by a double fine. Then a flood of fines followed:

·       The hare, Blitzen, for her “left at 3.20pm on my bike” note

· Nacker Rash - no hash gear – JM ruled a “wash your pussy” t-shirt was not up to standard (for our classy hash)

· WoWo for needing “search & rescue”

I need you winter camp photo’s – send them to Dogs for collation

MeeMee assisted the JM by fining the “workers” behind the scenes at Winter Camp:

· Blitzen & Dogs (and Fingers in her absence) – the “kitchen bitches”

·       Gloworm – “goody bag boy”

· Link – “booze boy”

·       Orful Fuk – “disher boy”

· WoWo – “vege boy”

· MeeMee - “venue girl” (smoothing the issues after never being allowed back after the previous camp)

Dogs then stepped up – and continued with the “classy” theme.

· Blitzen for her slippers

· Nacker Rash for his gentlemanly behaviour

· Blitzen (still in here slippers) for pre fines bacon & chip “butties”

· NO panakins– 07, Orful, Nacker Rash, Just Noze, Gloworm, Monkey wrench, Labrat & Flapper.

I need you winter camp photo’s – send them to Dogs for collation

 Fines from the floor got:

· Blitzen (still in here slippers) for ”looking after” Orful

· Blitzen (still in here slippers) for laying her 1^st trail in 7 years of hashing

· Blitzen for more stuff…..

(see how Blitzen was “Blitzen” – talking to the sink)

TITS – went to Nacker Rash

Clint was named “Premature”

I need you winter camp photo’s – send them to Dogs for collation

Then there was FOOD.. bacon, bangers, buns, bundles of other bloody good stuff… and of course a classy hash would have PUDDING – well it was Apple Crumble!!!!

Dogs Bollocks noticed the time .. 2103.. nearly 2140.. so it was ONON from Dogs& “Premature”

Onon Dogs Bollocks… next weeks hash betterwill be classy (as I will NOT be writing it!!!!!)

I need you winter camp photo’s – send them to Dogs for collation

Garbage for 21st June - SIF - 98410 Shands Road

It has come to my attention that standards have been slipping at Hash.

We are scheduled to start at 6.30. Not 6.40. Or 6.45. Or just after 7.
We are supposed to wear Hash gear.
We are supposed to merrily sing happy songs of hashing accompanied by gay quaffing of ale. OK, not the gay bit, but you get the picture.
We are supposed to set clever cunning runs of carefully thought out sophistication, designed to tax the brain and keep the spirits buzzing, whilst discreetly keeping the pack together by the smart use of checks and false trails.

What did we get this week? A 10km f*cking square dance round the busiest and darkest and most dangerous country roads of far flung Lincoln, with the occasional 800m obvious token false trail thrown in!

Good job I am not a whinging Pom, otherwise I could have a field day....but no, I will rise to the occasion and pretend it was a good run, just in case any virgin hashers get to read this and having read about the excitement decide to join our merry band.

And for those unable to read between the lines I will also include an alternative translation

So...

By 6.30 sharp everybody had already gathered at SIF’s place, having easily found the place by following his easy to follow instructions, and were in good spirit, ready to face the challenge ahead.
By 6.50 we still only had about ten hashers. Most people had missed the unmarked turning and shot off up the road. Others had figured there was NO WAY the run was this far out in the sticks, got scared and run for home, luckily coming across the entrance to SIF’s on the way. Bypure chance we ended up with a good size pack. It was cold, dark and we were grumpy as f*ck.

ON ON was called and we gathered at the letter box at the end of the road, the FRB’s dispersing to seek out the trail. Finding the first clear directional blob we set off on the run.
There was no trail. SIF has to tell us where to go.

The trail followed a beautiful country lane which bent and twisted through the countryside affording us the opportunity to enjoy rural Lincoln in all its splendour. Checks were aplenty and cleverly spaced to ensure the pack stayed together.
It was a straight road. The main road. The only road. As we picked our way up the verge, choking on the petrol fumes from passing traffic roaring past at a clearance of about 6 inches, squinting to pick uot the occasional bit of flour, it became very clear that this was not exactly going to be a navigational challenge. after a mile or so there was a f*cking obvious false trail that 007 and Just Noze gamely followed, before following the pack left.

A little way along the trail, an arrow took us right and up a hill, fighting through the shiggy and bush bashing our way for a while until popping unexpectedly back out onto the road.
The trail markings just stopped but apparently went off road onto a hill. One Loos and 007 missed it completely and ran on, while the pack did actually find it and took a pathetic little detour to relieve the monotony of straight roads. New boot Jessica was very bemused by the whole thing

The bush bashing was eventful and full of adventure
Monkey Wrench fell over

Just past the hill, we reached the first piss stop. SIF served up delicious soup and we all had a good chuckle about the route so far.
Most of us whinged, so SIF gave us soup to shut us up. It was delicious.

Dagy was sporting funky headgear which made him look a bit of a wag
Tit
Off we went again , weaving again along country lanes
We turned left and went along a straight road. Again

Another deviation and another cunning false trail , wending our way along a watercourse and riverbed
We turned right,. The fish filled creek SIF excitedly warned us about was a turd filled ditch by the side of the road

At the end of the creek we came across an old and little used Hash mark “GB24” which we consulted about and worked out to mean “Go back 24 markings” Classic Hash ingenuity.
What the f*ck was that all about?

The trail darted back and forth
We turned left again

Finally we came upon the tennis courts where the local girls were practising their netball skills and stopped for a brief piss stop and to shout words of encouragement to the sporty young athletes.
The blokes leered for a bit at the girls and shouted abusive sexist remarks

On home, through woods, over hills and across shiggy filled valleys, we arrived back at SIF’s place
We turned left

Food was a delicious BBQ of sausages and potato / veggie patties with bread and butter
Food was a delicius BBQ of sausages and potato / veggie patties with bread and butter

Fines were administered as follows:

Book fines #2– Orful Fuk 12, Dagy 2 million, Wowo 102, Gloworm some multiple of 2
Supreme – 300 runs presented with his bowl
Labrat, Oxy and Linc – photocopier fixers
Flapper – naked
Just Noze – fishing for turds
One Loos – high viz romper suit
Wee Knackers – something about his tread depth
Linc – not knowing the difference between a chameleon and a camel toe
007 – inviting newbies Nick and Jessica, but they went home early
SIF – hare
Tits – went to Monkey Wrench for fondling her own nips
Linc – lost property.
We all thanks SIF for a fantastic run
It was a bit shit

On On 007

GARBAGE FOR 14th June - Just Noze - Ruapuna Race Track - cycle(lights needed), run or walk

I am too shagged (well I wish it was from that) .. start again… I am too tired and lazy to attempt to try and write a witty and full account of the HASH Just Noze laid on at Ruapuna Race Track.

I am still recovering from the trip to the “South Side” of the city and all the pleasures that entails.

Admission. I must be thick. After preparing myself for Just Noze’s run, I goggled “Ruapuna Race Track”. From the map there was only 1 public entrance. Easy to find I told myself. Confident, I set off at 1749 hours, knowing I had heaps of time.

The Gods were against me. Public Entrance #1 – “SHUT”, but it was great Meemee was there. Together we tried the back entrance (you dirty minded bastards !!!!) – The back entrance track looked unused and the far gate was locked. A phone call by MeeMee – informant advised use “Leggats Road entrance”. WRONG. Next phone call by MeeMee established we were to use “Public Entrance #2” – if only Just Noze had advised us of this by email in last weeks Garbage…. But MeeMee & Dogs did arrive …. FINALLY …. at 1848 hours… hence no 1830 “On-Timers” photo.

Anyway.. we got there.. there was a trail brief… bikers went 1 way .. walkers & runners another…

After the stress of arriving late… and seeing heaps of hashers from Chch HHH .... most of the trail was a blur… that includes the blur of WoWo orbiting the track at WARP 9 leaving all behind him… I do remember Just Noze talked about his “salted nuts” … Hudder did a bit of “nut cracking” … Shrek left a deposit on the track … STD had a great tee shirt … there were 2 PS’s but they seemed to be in the same place … Dagy wasn’t there… RLD was warm … Sniffer sniffed… and all anticipated the excitement of Orful Fuk’s legs 11.

We all assembled in the Chris Amon Lounge (well that what I am going to call it) .. soup was served and the fines circle set up… all anticipated a long event as Missing Linc was not there to ration the fines and JM set the challenge to “kill” it all….
(now I refer to my notes as it write this….)

JM started by enforcing her authority:

· RLD (ex NZJM) had the nerve to correct OUR JM – instant fine for her – she did it again – another fine (RLD is a slow learner or a cheap skate drinker)

· Dogs – for not being like the other male JM’s, office holders, ex NZJM and assorted poofters .. he was there .. they must have had “man flu”

· Just Noze – the HARE…. setting trail on a bike and not having the intelligence to cover the tyre tracks in the soft wet grass… look at that face .. and this was only WATER..

· Orful’s legs 11 … official checkers were Worker Skirker & STD .. their report confirmed Orful was a man .. but needed more work on inner thigh muscle tone… and the other little appendage needed “assistance”
· Labrat .. for joining the Garden City “Camel Toe” Club .. more applicants needed…

Dogs to declare his fines would be kept to a maximum to clean out all Missing Linc piss – in his memory .. the theme of the fines was “PATHETIC”:

· RLD for her PATHETIC Michelin Man dress alike attempt
· Bag Shag and all others with body piercings for their PATHETIC attempt to increase their iron intake.
· Monkey Wrench, Hudder, Sniffer, Worker Shirker, Flapper, Ding-a-ling, Doing Down - being so PATHETIC Dogs remembered their names…
· One Loos being so PATHETIC challenging an 80 year old man to a game of golf then quitting after a minor earthquake after the 3rd hole.
¨ Prick – not present – again!!!!!

¨ Condom went to STD for thinking a red sticker for on her tee shirt gave here “protection”

Then there was FOOD.. and Pictures….

Assorted pictures of the hashers and their antics…. and what a good one it was…. Note Bagshag caught in the act of Txt’ing.. guess who’s head..
.. I am still to lazy to write more..

see you at winter camp..
a different Garbage writer next week as I am away….
ONON.. Dogs Bollocks

GARBAGE FOR 7th June - Gloworm birthday run - 75 Teesdale St, Burnside

Numbers at Hash have keep growing lately, I can’t understand why. With the 007 “SBS” marathon last week, and the prospect of another long trail from Gloworm this week, I suspected I would be the only hasher present.

BUT…. A full gaggle of hashers were there at 1830 !!!! Silly buggers!!!! How PATHETIC – they really must be a bored bunch (that was thrown in for you Missing LINC). Lusty even “raced” in to be there on time.

As usual, while the early birds waited, conversation turned to a favourite topic.. sex in the old days of hash ..
· Linc talked about his aching jaw
· Someone about bloody foreigners
· Someone named hashers who used to ask for “private cabins” at camps to do a bit of sly shagging
· Linc told all in great detail about his carrot fetish
· AND we all reviewed with great interest the “tits & bums” pages of Garden City’s 21st Anniversary Magazine (1984-2005), in which Squatter seemed to be in each photo.

This killed time until Bagshag arrived.

Gloworm issued trail instructions, all ignored them, then “MARATHON part 2” began.

The trail was really confusing from the start and this explains why Oxy & friends got lost from the bit where we were told to “go out the drive and turn right” until the food was finished. (Not that anyone really cared.)

Dagy and SIF also got lost, but luckily found a bottle store which sold Dagy the last hip flask of whiskey in Canterbury. Dagy soon killed this and the “noisy Dagy” came out.

Those who followed trail twisted and turned through Burnside, with walkers being instructed about a “short cut”. All became completely disorientated. Walkers made the 1st PS after a mere 11km and were seen departing in the distance as the runners thundered in after their “long 18km loop”.

Things for the runners deteriorated from there. The runners missed the 2nd PS, held at the new secret above of Baby1 and UC, and went OH. Walkers found the PS but soon got cold ad bored. OH was called by Gloworm. FU was the groups reply.

At OH, when the JM (Fingers) heard about Oxy & friends being missing, uttered the very sympathetic words of “F that lot – start without them” and she was ripping into the fines.

It was fitting to start with “SPECIAL” fines for:

· WoWo – 100 runs, seen admiring his panakin
· The “Hare” and birthday boy – Gloworm
· Wedgie – legs 11. Wedgie got the hussies steaming, modelling his Dan Carter apparel. Labrat lead the hussies in the inspection and she reported Wedgie had the appropriate ATTRIBUTES TO BE A HASHER.

Fingers carried on fining:

· Dogs for being thick
· Frigid for killing a fence
· Lost property to Navi & Frigid
· The hares (again) Gloworm & LabRat

The smell of the fantastic food was wafting around the room AND the very load and enthusiastic encouragement for the circle from DAGY, provided the encouragement for Dogs to declare his fines would be kept to a minimum.

· Just Noze for signing in for run using number “HERE” – the translated of this on a cell ph keyboard is 4373 runs.
· SIF for getting Dagy loaded
· All hussies for planking before it was trendy to do it.
· All those with “holy socks”
¨ Prick – not present – again!!!!!
¨ Condom went to DAGY for obvious reasons
A then FOOD and birthday cake.

Oxy & friends arrived….

BUT, we kept the best for last!!! Dagy was soooo pissed he tried to chat up Gremmie to get a quick shag. Luckily, Gremmie was only ½ as pissed as Dagy, and Gremmie turned him down.

ONON.. Dogs Bollocks ..

GARBAGE FOR 31 May – 007 – 15a Leonie Place, Bexley

Well, its back to “old Dogs Bollocks” to write the garbage this week – lucky too, ‘cause if were left it to the HARE (007), his version of happenings would be very different from the this, the TRUTH.

Hashers know when GLOWORM sets a run it will be long or when DAGY sets one you will get dirty. I sort of thought that 007’s reputation for long’ish runs exaggerated. READ on and see.

At 1830 I took the photo. I should have realised something was up when the run was from RLD’s place, but she found an excuse to leave at 1831, straight after the photo opportunity.

Others like me were naïve, as we did get a 20+ turnout.

MILF (aka “the slow learner”) exceeded the PDA display from FRIKIN’s run by presenting KLINGON a Rose then more PDA. Luckily, all present realised this was an attempt to get a free fine before the run (cheap bastards), they should just buy piss like the rest of us.

Banter and chatter abounded until the excited FRB’s forced 007 to call “Hash Hush” and give a trail brief. He mentioned 2 piss stops, trail on chalk & flour and a runners/walkers split. This lulled all into a state of mind that this was just another run, not a dress rehearsal for the SBS marathon.

Photo shows “Hudder” enjoying a little pre run display of girl-on-girl fun

Off we went. Out the drive and turn right, through the delightful surrounding of Bexley. I chatted to a new hasher (well I think she was there last week). She introduced herself as “HUDDER”, I insist that’s what I heard. (Later her name was translated for me and I found out it was actually “Heather”). You will understand my confusion as she said she came from “the South”. I asked where and her reply was “Georgia”. For those who do not know their Geography, Georgia is a small settlement, 8.7 km out of Mossburn, on the Mossburn to Te Anau highway, in Southland. (These facts verified on the night by honest school teacher Navi).

If I was to describe the full SBS marathon course we set out on I would be exhausted in writing this, but sufficient to say the first leg took the runners around Bexley, through the country, across rivers, over motorways and beyond. The shear length of the trail was a challenge, but the erratic skimpy use of chalk and flour added many more KM’s to the actual trail. Walkers fared no better.

PS 1 found us at New Brighton Pier. Exhausted, most hashers collapsed or sat. We were “low and sad”. Spirits were raised by the JM performing an impromptu PLANK. Walkers were keen to get back on trail. They buggered off, leaving the FRB’s behind. 007 promised we had done the “hard yards” and it was a mere stroll to home with a piss stop thrown in – LIAR!!!!! – it was the other ½ of the SBS marathon!!!!!! Trail skirted the river taking in 5 stop bank redevelopment work sites, providing excellent mud negotiation training for those keen cross country marathon.

PS 2 found us beside the scenic and aromatic “Lake Bexley” (aka the poo ponds). 007 looked very sheepish and surprised to hear the abuse that was directed at him. A pity the poo was just a bit too far away to reach. 007’s expression shows his complete befuddlement at our barbed comments, spoken between gaps as we sucked in the cold night air. His only retort was “OH, on home is just 4.9 km along the road”

Exhausted, hashers limped in to RLD’s. RLD still had the good sense to stay away.

Much dithering occurred trying to organise a circle. Oh the dilemmas – inside or outside? where will the piss go? who will pore the fines?

Thank god the JM for the night, GLOWORM, took control got the fines circle sorted, using Xbox as his ‘enforcer”
There were fines for.

¨ 007 the HARE – the architect of the SBS Marathon rehearsal and the owner of a completely f*cked dribble dropper – he tried to pass the damage to the dribble dropper off as earthquake damage.
¨ Register fines for “9” for MILF, Navi, Orful, WoWo

Dogs took over as fines master , and immediately was fined for ?? who actually knows.

¨ Fines for the “Late comers”, ie those after 1830 but before we got too bored, to: Frigid, Orful, Vase & Xbox. NOTE BAGSHAG was not fined for being late as she only fits into the “EXTREMELY LATE” category.
¨ Heaps of hashers for actually responding to Dogs Bollocks command to Shrek to “SIT” and actually sitting. AND GLOWORM for not understanding the sitting is different from planking.

¨ Navi and Nice But were congratulated on the expected arrival of their ‘first born”.
¨ “HUDDER” for coming from the “SOUTH”
¨ Orful for deliberately enticing HUDDER use his day glow last week asking her to wear it again, as her “body scent” had worn off it and he needed her to recharge the smell of what he called his “cuddly cloth”
¨ MILF was fined for the “rose incident – and Pulled Out recited a brilliant poem to put more sting into the fine.
¨ Prick – not present
¨ Condom went to KLINGON

A pizza and Eskimo pie feast followed.

BUT the excitement had not yet finished, as these photos show

ONON.. Dogs Bollocks ..